Surprise! I’m back from a month long hiatus; and with me I bring my very own domain name and redesigned site!

I avoided writing a cheesy New Year post for two reasons: My new year doesn’t really start until school does, and I am lazy and busy (and those two combined suck).

School has resumed, and with 5 1/2 credits, two jobs, and a new position as president of Groove, I’m busier than ever. But writing has always been my favorite distraction, and I am putting off finishing an Econ p-set at this very moment.

So, yeah, new year, new blog! Or something like that. I’m still here for the same reasons, with the same goals (mostly).

I want to remain transparent in my writing, even when it’s posted where anyone can read it. Although, I have learned about the cost of that transparency; and I am still learning.

Over the holidays, I got an amazing gift in the form of my mom’s old journals. I’ve been reading them, and I’m starting to see that we write for some of the same reasons. I also understand why she kept private journals instead of a public blog, though. My mother was sweet and kind, loving and caring to a fault.  She would never intentionally hurt anyone. But in her journals, she was honest (although apologetic), and she knew that her honesty could hurt people; so she kept it to herself. While it may have kept the waters still around her, you can tell that it didn’t make things easier for her.

As much as I try to be, I am not like my mom. It’s hard for me to overlook people’s mistakes; I am slow to forgive, and I speak (or write) my mind often without thinking it completely through. I am unapologetically staunch in my opinions, even when I know I’m wrong. My friends tell me that I’m intimidating.

Justin laughed when I told him this. He sees the withdrawn, quiet part of me more than anyone. He always says he doesn’t know what to say when we argue because I won’t talk to him. And he’s right, when we fight, I clam up, all of the things I want to say getting stuck in my throat. This is a new problem. Usually, I can blurt out whatever’s on my mind without hesitation. But lately, I find myself pausing. Theoretically, that could be for the better, but really it’s just causing a breakdown of communication between me and the person I’m afraid to talk to. I let the problem simmer, fester, and eventually, explode.

And all of this because I’m afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. So, maybe I’m more like Mama than I thought, though not in a good way. I don’t know how to balance being honest and being considerate. I want desperately to be a compassionate, selfless person like my mom. But I also desperately need to be honest and open in order to avoid self destructing (and taking down those close to me along the way).

As usual, I don’t have any answers or resolutions. What can I say? I suck at endings. I guess I’m still learning, which is a good thing. My dance teachers used to say you should always be growing; you can always get better. And I’ve spent a lot of my life looking at others and learning from their successes and failures. It’s about time I start learning from my own.

My goal is transparency, but not at the cost of everything else.

I will still always choose write. (That, at least, always feels like the right choice.)

 

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